My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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