The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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