You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
