you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
