I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize