He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She bit a glass in half.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
