i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Are my feet made of real feet?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
