and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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