i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
