this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
