do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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