Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
3 2 1 whiskey
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
