your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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