my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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