Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
