I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
