I'm really into asian looking animals
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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