Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
