Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
