I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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