That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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