last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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