Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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