Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
