you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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