Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
