Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
