First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
