I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
