I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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