I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
