I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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