"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
