I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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