im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
