So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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