I am in a vortex of obligation.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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