Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
