Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
