the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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