I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
