i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Randomize
