Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
