I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
