i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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