I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
