you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
this hospital has no fireball
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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