Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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