I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
