Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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