i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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