Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
