Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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