you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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