there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
