You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
