He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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