you would pick up someone in the library
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize