our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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