you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
