that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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