just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
