i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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