Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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