I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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